I never realized that The Abyss, one of my favorite movies, is a claustrophobes worst nightmare.

I've found a possibility for my music earning me some money. A very slight possibility.

edit::
Well, this is very interesting. At the very least I have complete control over http://www.last.fm/music/SLAM+KING

edit:::
And at the very very least, my fans (ha!) can listen to my work at a nice high quality, as opposed to myspace.

The downside of promotion is rejection.

I'm always good for criticism. I just can't stand to be ignored.

Some nights I throw my myspace url around like candy, and it always hurts. Sure I get plays but nothing else. Though some random fuck tonite called me a "doom stoner" and that was random and very flattering.

I guess it's tough to be literally throwing your soul out there and hear nothing concrete. It's like Bud said in Repo Man, "if only we can find out what they owe and make them pay". Paraphrasing of course. But that is the idea. If only I could make people actually LISTEN. And READ. And THINK.

If only.

FOG

There really isn't much more to say.

My first song, the only song I really never finished.

I wrote the riffs and a verse, plus the basic arrangement, in 1997. Spending the next eight years with it in the back of my head, I "finished" the lyrics in 2005. I say "finished" because it's hard to me to give myself such credit on a still not properly recorded song. With me it's either done or not, and FOG is still in limbo.

It's been a problem since day one. A good problem, but a problem none the less. Originally I simply could not keep up the riff. My own newbness with guitar was the issue. That, and I had a grander design in my head than I could bring to reality.

I did record a version back in the earliest days of my recording education. I know I have a copy of this recording, but it is among my large minidisc collection, and with no player these days, it is effectively archived but currently lost.

In 2007 I did (unbeknownst to me at the time) kick off SLAM KING with a new rough demo of it. A new problem arose. I couldn't keep up the intensity on the drums. With a bit of practice I can nail the riffs, but the drums continue to elude me.

Looking over my notes and such, lyric-wise it's still unfinished. I have three verses and the rough idea of a chorus. Considering that the chorus was never meant to have words, rough is the right idea. Interesting, but it's really easy to fall into old habits - populate this riff with the same old words because you can. I try not to do that. I'm slightly afraid that my newer verses suffer from this. The only answer is to drown yourself in the song and hope it comes.

Notes on rough version: overdid guitar distortion, old issue. New intro guitars work well. Fucked up verse length - hard to gauge this behind the kit when the song isn't concrete in your head. And of course, the fact that I peter out halfway.

FOG really says everything about my writing though. I've spent a lot of time, here, and mainly in my head, thinking and talking about purity of writing, but, this i feel, is it for me. All the (classic) elements of me are present: doom, runaway train, stoner punk, etc. That's how I barely put it into words. And why it's so rough to describe it. I remember not too long ago I shared some SLAM KING with the armpit of the internet, and of course, no one got it. After the usual inferiority shit, I always wonder why no one asks the important questions, why no one tries to understand. Is it so hard to try something different? It isn't even that different though! It's not like I made this up. I know what I bit and what I pray to but I'll be honest, I have no clue what I came up with.

The only point of a novelty Keystone Light fake bottle can topper is to make the piss go down faster. Gawd this is just pure shit. The urge to throw it away is huge and the thought of me tossing beer is...alien...but it's just so bad. That bad.

I love my father. I love Big Daddy. All I want to do is drink with him and smoke some shit and talk endlessly about what we can do with music and time will stand still and fuck you! We need a house and a studio and a pipeline of drugs and booze and maybe then the world will shut the fuck up and just stop fucking with us.

One thing I never stop thinking about is inspiration, and my lack of it. I listen to a lot of music, always have, and most days it's like, "what will I want to rip off today?" In the end of course I do nothing and the next day it's the same.

But when I listen to Guzzard, like I am tonight, or Hammerhead...it gets a bit different. Something about those two bands (and early to mid 90's Amrep in general) that just grabs me. It's hard to put into words, but I can try. It's just so fucking honest. Here are guys like me, from shitty little towns, and they are doing it. Their music is stripped down, loud, and most importantly, simple. They're not trying to cure cancer, they're just giving voice to what they feel the only way they know how. And the best part, for me, is they make me feel like if they can do it, so can I.

Take Guzzard for example. Their album Quick, Fast, In a Hurry is one of my all time favorites. Ten songs, one instrumental, sounds like the whole thing was recorded in one take. No studio effects to speak of. If Pete Beeman plays a quick solo, no fake backing guitar shows up. It's fucking honest. Guys like Pete or Paul Sanders from Hammerhead, they don't necessarily have the best voices, but they don't seem to give a fuck. The overall message is, "this is it, take it or leave it".

That's always been my own take on music. Perhaps that's why I am where I am. Maybe I listen to too much rock radio and the mainstream is dragging me down. I just know that ultimately my music belongs to a little garage type band in a bar somewhere. I was my happiest when I was doing just that, so maybe that's the right idea? I just need people to jam with and write with and generally not give a fuck...

FUCK I wish Amrep hadn't died before I had something to work with. Oh well...the overall inspiration is worth it to me. Made me the man-cub I am today.

I've decided to work on my long-dormant aggressive voice.

It's gonna hurt. A lot.

So today I see that I have 15 hours next week. Um, yay. I note that Alex has 8. Everyone, including management, hates him. I'm the only one that likes him. I don't get it.

So I clock in and get started, and Tom corners me. With Justin hovering. Now Justin I like, he never has anything bad to say to me, and while he's something of a dick, he is what he is. On the other hand, Tom always equals bad news to me, so I stay away from him. Anyway, this looks bad. But they say that there are extra hours coming up in the next few weeks, and I'm getting some of them, and do the right thing, don't waste them, don't be the guy with 8 hours (ouch), etc. So it was sort of a good talk but I still walked away from it feeling 3 feet tall.

So I tell Jon about it. Or start to. I don't get past the 8 hours thing before he says, "oh that's Tom's way of saying you're next". I never got to mention the extra hours or how I had just been told I'm getting some of them. What a fucking dick. It's like he wants to be my friend just so he can bring me down. I swear the guy is a master slacker, he looks great in front of the bosses but the minute they disappear he does nothing. He sure ditched Frosty and I tonite in frozen. What I can't figure out is if he's just a prick, or if I intimidate him to the point he's trying to psyche me out. I think it's a bit of both. He's been all high and mighty lately about getting "full time" yet it's definitely not in the store. He's getting more resets, but that's nothing new. I suspect he's getting strung along, and that, my friends, doesn't bother me at all.

In the end, I know what I have to do, and I will do it, I'm not worried. But this whole "fuck your friends for hours" thing is really getting me down. Justin said tonite that it's like we're all a bunch of sharks. That bothered me. There's no team spirit, yet we're called a team. Most of what we do necessitates a team. But there is no team. Either it's a shit way to run things, or things are so bad this is the only way. Because there's no trust, friends rat on you, and no one is watching your back.

I like my job. I just feel that no one is ever looking when I do right, and there is always someone there the minute I fuck up. I know the right way to do it, and I try to stick with it.

So I'm finally watching Taken, which I've wanted to see since I saw the commercials for it awhile back. A few coworkers, mainly Alex, have been telling me how great it is...

Watching Liam Neeson beat the crap out of people is just about as good as it gets.

Fuck I love revenge flicks.

My iPhone just played two of my ultimate bass songs in a row. Obviously I am in tune for greatness tonite.