i knew listening to that Sade song was a mistake... i firmly blame all of this on insomnia.

yeah brendan, being a creep cause you can't sleep. sure.

after a clue from none other than my ex, i finally put it together. months later, but whatever, if you didn't know i was an idiot by now, you lose.

i finally found Shannon's facebook.

as well as her husband's.

looking at it, it's painfully obvious it's her. even with my limited non-friend view. it'd been there for years waiting for me to find, but, i never bothered to really, really look. i was content to look at pics and hurt myself and never really dig deep. because people that don't post their own pic don't count, right? even if the pic says hello kitty? how dumb are you man?

so now i have. and fucking god, i wished i didn't.

she married him, the guy she left me for.

i'm not surprised. at all. i knew she was married.

but it really fucking hurts to have a face to that husband.

knowing i could and would and should've killed him then. hell, was invited to.

so now with all this sick knowledge i am once again left confused.

i know what my instinct tells me.

i know what my tortured heart tells me.

i know what my mind screams.

but

all the heartache, bullets and bloodstains can do nothing for my lost love.

not when i'm approaching from the ultimate position of weakness.

i know everything now. where to go, what to do, who to do it to.

but i don't know how to fix it.

because i don't really think i can fix it.

i just think i either burn or die.

just because the words come to me doesn't mean i understand them.

so i really want an album from a rather obscure british band.

good luck.

amazon.co.uk has it. but won't sell it to me.

fuck you

dear brendan,

did you ever think that the idea of, "king of violence" might also mean, "king of pain"?

and no it definitely isn't semantics.

love,
brendan

After much thought and careful research, the result is horrifying:

THE ROBOTS WILL WIN.

Fuck.

In other news, Toto kicks ass. "Hold the Line" is the best 30 year old song I never heard until a few weeks ago.

In my self-imposed (ha) exile, I've realized something. Or my untouchable subconscious did. What, I dunno, but this eternal smirk suggests...something.

Lately I've been weirding myself out.

I've always realized I was ruled by my subconscious, but in the past at least it made sense.

Now I do and say things and it seems so random but I only realize later what my motivation was.

It's like the window of my consciousness is closing and my subconscious is slowly taking over.

this would be great, but I can't control my subconscious. it's like a jäger-fueled nightmare in there.

while i'm all for painful truth (who are you kidding with that?) the lack of understanding and control is kinda scary.

But damn does it feel good.

Like Scott Hill put it, so perfectly, "well goddamn this plan has gone awry"

In the past 24 hours or so I've discovered, to my horror, that two very important things to me online simply disappeared.

One is my wiki.

The other is /adv/.

The former, if I was to stop and think about it (strangely I can't) represented all my thoughts on over a decade of work. Granted, that information is still floating around in my sick mind somewhere, but I had managed to get a lot of it down in text. It was a hell of a resource to me.

This should really, really fucking bother me. It doesn't. That kind of bothers me.

The latter was just my favorite message board. It was born into limbo and I suppose it died into it as well. Shit sucks, but, eh, to quote myself, "Welcome to obscurity"

Have you ever noticed...no one ever asks the most important questions?

Saturday Night is the best Misfits songs ever.

It's the best 50's song not written in the 50's.

I (temporarily) ruined my voice trying to be Michale Graves. It's that good.