I had the worst panic attack of my life last night.

The night before I went out with friends to a bar and go so wasted I lost a tooth and my iPhone. Had a hell of a time, but, yeah.

Considering I haven't been to a bar nor drank hard alcohol in four years, duh is the connection.

It all started friday night when Jon, Alex and I were working. Jon randomly says, "so are we going drinking tonight?" and I said yes. He was surprised, he's been asking for months and I never said shit. Alex gradually got into it and later Timage signed on.

We went to Tilted Kilts. Imagine Hooters in a nice place. Lovely flesh on display and expensive booze, it was a night to not remember.

I guess I got so wasted I started a rampage. It really was another episode of the Brendan show. I talked white power shit to our waitress, who somehow didn't hear it, and to trust Alex, I said something to another cause she blushed like crazy. I remember being nice.

After last call outside I asked Jon to push me, I guess, and I fell in some bushes, losing a tooth. My lucky loose tooth. Evidently I lost my phone at the same time. After frantically searching, amidst much laughter, we gave up and headed home. When I realized I lost my phone.

This lead to a very bad night. And a bad hungover morning. But I went back. And found them both right there, in that bush. Took me a minute. I could finally breath a sigh a relief.

So I worked a truck hungover. When haven't I? Fighting with one arm tied behind my back. I have a silent incredibility which everyone sees but no one sees.

So I come home, want to drink, and the panic hits like a surprise nuclear attack. I'm pacing and the invisible blood drips and I'm dying and I have a sub zero basement to enjoy. I finally manage to wake Jenny up and somehow tell her what's going on. And she's there. I couldn't stop hyperventilating and my left half was going numb but I took a double dose of kolonipin and I started to fall asleep but the scary part was the feeling that I could resist it. I didn't. It worked.

The thing is, I saw everything too crystal clear. First Jenny was there, a goddess, but then she was tired and I started wondering about the control. I said way too much about my secrets, my silent horror. There are some things only I am meant to face and I babbled. I don't worry about that so much as new ideas. I was kept up most of the night, thankfully straight, but tortured with new ideas of Shannon the ultra-whore. My own work up of the continuing nightmare is bad enough, but live able. These new ideas push my sanity to the edge. And I have to wonder how impartial the judge is.

So I have a new low to play with. And the ever-present question, why are you dying for nothing?